I held it together until...

School is beginning and preparations are being made.
Stressful.

Wedding planning is coming to the end, but busy as ever.
Stressful.

Housework is never ending.
Stressful.

Working on a relationship with my future husband.
Key word: Work.

Allergies are kicking me in the head.
The pain equals a sleep deprived and less productive teacher, apartment owner and future wife-y.
Stressful.

Package being stolen.  
LAST STRAW!

I was handling the stress of life until our package was stolen. We purchased an ottoman for my fiance's parents. It was delivered by FedEx and they left it at the front door of our building. We had stepped out to make the last walk through at our wedding venue when it was delivered. We didn't give them permission to leave a package, but they claimed on our online receipt that we didn't specify a signature was necessary. I am so sad. I just couldn't hold it together. I bawled as I walked back from checking the mail.

My List of Not-So-Peaceful Thoughts:
1. I've never seen the option "no sign necessary!" (My fiance was the one who purchased it online and I don't blame him.)
2. I've always had to sign for past FedEx packages. Grr.
3. I'm truly disappointed in my apartment complex neighbors.


How do I solve this problem when we can't afford to just purchase another $80+ ottoman?
Lawyers, any advice?

• I'm going to contact FedEx.
• Post notices in the hallways & entrances for the lost soul to return the package to the rightful owners.
• Tell apartment owners someone stole it and to ask them to search for my lost ottoman. (Doubtful, but I'll have my proof of purchase.)
• In desperation, go door to door crying for the package that is suppose to be a gift for a cancer patient who is fighting for his life & TO PLEASE RETURN IT.

 I return to Matthew West's song Strong Enough for comfort. I shed tears now hoping I can hold it together for all my roles in life and I know I can't do this without God's help. West's lyrics say it so well. "I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm suppose to be. I give up. I'm not strong enough. Hands of mercy won't you cover me. Lord I'm asking you to be strong enough."

Strong Enough By: Matthew West

Side note: My father is doing the best out of all his nurse's patients. He is feeling more sunburn, tired, sore and less hungry. He began using his feeding tube today. He is very lucky. Based on how he's doing, he'll heal quickly. I hope they're right.

I pray he makes it to my wedding and is able to walk me down the aisle. I pray he is able to hold his grand babies. I pray he finds the courage to live his life to fullest when he is done with treatment. May he find comfort and joy in the Lord.
Amen.

A Restless Night

I went to bed at 10:45 p.m.
I finally shut off the light at 12:45 a.m. even though I wasn't fully tired. It was late & I had shoe shopping to do before my wedding dress fitting.
With a cool night in the 60s, I decided to open the window.
Bad idea.
I woke up every half to full hour to the mighty wind slamming the curtain against the window.
During that time, I toss & turn thinking about the never ending list for the wedding.
Crap.
1:45 a.m. - We had turned on the baseball game not to entice a loss, but to assemble wedding invitations.
2:00 a.m. - Little to my knowledge, the jail guard sees my brother, Shane is still awake.
2:28 a.m. - Shane has hung himself.
3:00 a.m. - I decided to finally get up and SHUT the window.
3:05 a.m. - Damn street light! I pulled the blinds down.
3:06 a.m. - Seriously, only one minute has passed?
3:07 a.m. - OK. OK! I am up.
3:08 a.m. - Search internet aimlessly to find out about London's chaos.
......
5:45 a.m. Text fiance to say I am up and that we had forgot to assemble wedding invitations.

6:00 a.m. -Breakfast of Champions
Attempt to fall asleep....
7:39 a.m. - I must have fallen asleep, because my phone is ringing.
7:45 a.m. - Text message sounds in the living room...Ssh! I want to SLEEP!
8:07 a.m. - Ok. I'M UP!
Dad's cell.
Answer.
Hello?
Hi. Shane committed suicide last night.
Pause. I didn't sleep well last night.
He must not have been able to live with the 10 year sentence in prison.
Pause. I will talk with you later. I want to try to get some sleep.
(I was in shock. I was sleep deprived.)
I enter my bedroom and let my fiance know my brother committed suicide last night. He wakes up and hugs me.
My mind runs a hundred miles an hour.
He has been in jail and I suspected he might not make my wedding, but the thought of placing a plant or flowers at my wedding in honor of him made me realize he really isn't going to be there.
I won't see him alive again.
He's gone.
I cry.
I think of my father ,who is going through cancer treatment. I can't imagine losing a child.
How did he die?
What was he thinking?
Then, I try to avoid the guilt, but it comes any way.
I haven't talked or visited him in jail.
It's been so long since I've seen or talked to him.
Did he know I loved him?
Did he get saved before he died?
Does it even matter?
As a teacher, I wonder how I could ever send a child to "hell" if they didn't get "it" before they left my class. Would I not give them another chance to learn in another class or another year or with another teacher?
I, for the first time, wonder about hell's existence and relate it to teaching.
My brother is free of the burdens of this life and I believe God is with him now. Teaching him. I hope he is freed from his vanity, greed, pain, depression, and all the other things he struggled with in this life.
I am blessed to live another day on this world.

Matthew West - Strong Enough
Tenth Avenue North - You Loved Me Anyway

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=y8BBCYFAYRI&feature=related