I intended for this blog to be about peace. My father was dealing with cancer, my oldest brother with drug addiction & a looming prison sentence and we were planning a wedding on top of it all. With the passing of time, I feel more at peace with life. I have distance from all the chaos and I overcame the obstacles or I am learning to deal with them.
All knowing:
Let's just say God is all knowing. He knew I shouldn't have started my Master's program, because he knew I wouldn't be able to handle classes & assignments on top of work, a wedding, my father's cancer battle, and the loss of a brother.
I feel like life is back to a normal schedule and routine. I find comfort in the predictable and the less heart wrenching experiences. In the past year, I realized I find more comfort in routine than I had wanted to admit to before. I associated structure or routines with my extreme coworker who was unstable and unhealthy. I did not want to be associated with that, but it does not have to be so black and white. Brushing our teeth is an example of a healthy routine. Without routines or work, I find myself wasting hours upon hours doing nothing. I am the opposite of my uptight coworker. I can easily relax and not take things seriously. I can give my self luxuries and breaks. She could not take care of herself when she was sick, tired or stressed out. It hurt to watch the evil cycle. I feel bad to be relieved to no longer watch & agonized over her continual self destruction.
Peace in the fight for one's life:
My father completed his cancer treatment the Wednesday before our wedding. He was very weak and sick, but he walked me down the aisle!
His taste buds are slowly coming back.
He's starting to get hungry.
On Monday, he begins physical therapy for his jaw & mouth.
It's a major step to admit he has not dealt with his son's passing.
He begins his mental healing Monday as well.
He physically is healed or not so deathly ill that he can now address his mental health.
This is a struggle for so many of us humans.
I encourage everyone to take action to helping yourself however that may be.
You only have now. As my student simply reminded me, "Today is now and yesterday is the past." Someday is not a day of the week.
Peace out!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I held it together until...
School is beginning and preparations are being made.
Stressful.
Wedding planning is coming to the end, but busy as ever.
Stressful.
Housework is never ending.
Stressful.
Stressful.
Wedding planning is coming to the end, but busy as ever.
Stressful.
Housework is never ending.
Stressful.
Working on a relationship with my future husband.
Key word: Work.
Allergies are kicking me in the head.
The pain equals a sleep deprived and less productive teacher, apartment owner and future wife-y.
Stressful.
Key word: Work.
Allergies are kicking me in the head.
The pain equals a sleep deprived and less productive teacher, apartment owner and future wife-y.
Stressful.
Package being stolen.
LAST STRAW!
I was handling the stress of life until our package was stolen. We purchased an ottoman for my fiance's parents. It was delivered by FedEx and they left it at the front door of our building. We had stepped out to make the last walk through at our wedding venue when it was delivered. We didn't give them permission to leave a package, but they claimed on our online receipt that we didn't specify a signature was necessary. I am so sad. I just couldn't hold it together. I bawled as I walked back from checking the mail.
My List of Not-So-Peaceful Thoughts:
1. I've never seen the option "no sign necessary!" (My fiance was the one who purchased it online and I don't blame him.)
2. I've always had to sign for past FedEx packages. Grr.
3. I'm truly disappointed in my apartment complex neighbors.
How do I solve this problem when we can't afford to just purchase another $80+ ottoman?
Lawyers, any advice?
- I'm going to contact FedEx.
- Post notices in the hallways & entrances for the lost soul to return the package to the rightful owners.
- Tell apartment owners someone stole it and to ask them to search for my lost ottoman. (Doubtful, but I'll have my proof of purchase.)
- In desperation, go door to door crying for the package that is suppose to be a gift for a cancer patient who is fighting for his life & TO PLEASE RETURN IT.
Strong Enough By: Matthew West
Side note: My father is doing the best out of all his nurse's patients. He is feeling more sunburn, tired, sore and less hungry. He began using his feeding tube today. He is very lucky. Based on how he's doing, he'll heal quickly. I hope they're right.
I pray he makes it to my wedding and is able to walk me down the aisle. I pray he is able to hold his grand babies. I pray he finds the courage to live his life to fullest when he is done with treatment. May he find comfort and joy in the Lord.
Amen.
A Restless Night
I went to bed at 10:45 p.m.
I finally shut off the light at 12:45 a.m. even though I wasn't fully tired. It was late & I had shoe shopping to do before my wedding dress fitting.
With a cool night in the 60s, I decided to open the window.
Bad idea.
I woke up every half to full hour to the mighty wind slamming the curtain against the window.
During that time, I toss & turn thinking about the never ending list for the wedding.
Crap.
1:45 a.m. - We had turned on the baseball game not to entice a loss, but to assemble wedding invitations.
2:00 a.m. - Little to my knowledge, the jail guard sees my brother, Shane is still awake.
2:28 a.m. - Shane has hung himself.
3:00 a.m. - I decided to finally get up and SHUT the window.
3:05 a.m. - Damn street light! I pulled the blinds down.
3:06 a.m. - Seriously, only one minute has passed?
3:07 a.m. - OK. OK! I am up.
3:08 a.m. - Search internet aimlessly to find out about London's chaos.
......
5:45 a.m. Text fiance to say I am up and that we had forgot to assemble wedding invitations.
6:00 a.m. -Breakfast of Champions
Attempt to fall asleep....
7:39 a.m. - I must have fallen asleep, because my phone is ringing.
7:45 a.m. - Text message sounds in the living room...Ssh! I want to SLEEP!
8:07 a.m. - Ok. I'M UP!
Dad's cell.
Answer.
Hello?
Hi. Shane committed suicide last night.
Pause. I didn't sleep well last night.
He must not have been able to live with the 10 year sentence in prison.
Pause. I will talk with you later. I want to try to get some sleep.
(I was in shock. I was sleep deprived.)
I enter my bedroom and let my fiance know my brother committed suicide last night. He wakes up and hugs me.
My mind runs a hundred miles an hour.
He has been in jail and I suspected he might not make my wedding, but the thought of placing a plant or flowers at my wedding in honor of him made me realize he really isn't going to be there.
I won't see him alive again.
He's gone.
I cry.
I think of my father ,who is going through cancer treatment. I can't imagine losing a child.
How did he die?
What was he thinking?
Then, I try to avoid the guilt, but it comes any way.
I haven't talked or visited him in jail.
It's been so long since I've seen or talked to him.
Did he know I loved him?
Did he get saved before he died?
Does it even matter?
As a teacher, I wonder how I could ever send a child to "hell" if they didn't get "it" before they left my class. Would I not give them another chance to learn in another class or another year or with another teacher?
I, for the first time, wonder about hell's existence and relate it to teaching.
My brother is free of the burdens of this life and I believe God is with him now. Teaching him. I hope he is freed from his vanity, greed, pain, depression, and all the other things he struggled with in this life.
I am blessed to live another day on this world.
Matthew West - Strong Enough
Tenth Avenue North - You Loved Me Anyway
I finally shut off the light at 12:45 a.m. even though I wasn't fully tired. It was late & I had shoe shopping to do before my wedding dress fitting.
With a cool night in the 60s, I decided to open the window.
Bad idea.
I woke up every half to full hour to the mighty wind slamming the curtain against the window.
During that time, I toss & turn thinking about the never ending list for the wedding.
Crap.
1:45 a.m. - We had turned on the baseball game not to entice a loss, but to assemble wedding invitations.
2:00 a.m. - Little to my knowledge, the jail guard sees my brother, Shane is still awake.
2:28 a.m. - Shane has hung himself.
3:00 a.m. - I decided to finally get up and SHUT the window.
3:05 a.m. - Damn street light! I pulled the blinds down.
3:06 a.m. - Seriously, only one minute has passed?
3:07 a.m. - OK. OK! I am up.
3:08 a.m. - Search internet aimlessly to find out about London's chaos.
......
5:45 a.m. Text fiance to say I am up and that we had forgot to assemble wedding invitations.
6:00 a.m. -Breakfast of Champions
Attempt to fall asleep....
7:39 a.m. - I must have fallen asleep, because my phone is ringing.
7:45 a.m. - Text message sounds in the living room...Ssh! I want to SLEEP!
8:07 a.m. - Ok. I'M UP!
Dad's cell.
Answer.
Hello?
Hi. Shane committed suicide last night.
Pause. I didn't sleep well last night.
He must not have been able to live with the 10 year sentence in prison.
Pause. I will talk with you later. I want to try to get some sleep.
(I was in shock. I was sleep deprived.)
I enter my bedroom and let my fiance know my brother committed suicide last night. He wakes up and hugs me.
My mind runs a hundred miles an hour.
He has been in jail and I suspected he might not make my wedding, but the thought of placing a plant or flowers at my wedding in honor of him made me realize he really isn't going to be there.
I won't see him alive again.
He's gone.
I cry.
I think of my father ,who is going through cancer treatment. I can't imagine losing a child.
How did he die?
What was he thinking?
Then, I try to avoid the guilt, but it comes any way.
I haven't talked or visited him in jail.
It's been so long since I've seen or talked to him.
Did he know I loved him?
Did he get saved before he died?
Does it even matter?
As a teacher, I wonder how I could ever send a child to "hell" if they didn't get "it" before they left my class. Would I not give them another chance to learn in another class or another year or with another teacher?
I, for the first time, wonder about hell's existence and relate it to teaching.
My brother is free of the burdens of this life and I believe God is with him now. Teaching him. I hope he is freed from his vanity, greed, pain, depression, and all the other things he struggled with in this life.
I am blessed to live another day on this world.
Matthew West - Strong Enough
Tenth Avenue North - You Loved Me Anyway
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Day 1: Journey Back From Hope Lodge
My foot slammed on the breaks. Why? Why did the traffic all of a sudden screech to a halt? It was noon on a Saturday and I was 10 miles from leaving the burbs. I was almost out of the cities to free sailing down the interstate. No. I searched for flashing lights or sounds of sirens. None. My heart sank back into my chest and I buckled down for the 10 miles at 0-30 mph stop and go traffic. Luckily, I had a pack of patience stored in my pants. ;) Patience and inner peace came slowly as I enjoyed the sunlight, my Caribou white almond cooler and my satisfaction with the weekend. As I sat, I realized I was at ease with not only this car ride, but with the world and my life despite or en light of the less than ideal circumstances in the past four months.
Dad has cancer.
Mom's hernia surgery saved her from a rotting remnant on her stomach from a past surgery. Let's say we've never been so excited for a hernia. :)
My oldest brother is facing the possibility of prison. You live with choices you make.
I found a lump on my left arm.
Wedding planning isn't all sunshine and rainbows especially when planning it alone.
Small children need a lot of your energy and love.
I wasn't always the best at managing my stress or cleaning for that matter during this time. Therefore, this car ride inspired me to write this blog as a way to help me focus on being at peace and being peaceful with the people around me no matter the circumstance. Here is a recap of the sunshine from Friday & Saturday:
This weekend, like last, I traveled 4 hours to visit and care for my father as he began his journey through cancer treatment. On Wednesday, he had his first round of chemo and radiation followed by daily doses of radiation. All of these make him tired. The port and feeding tub surgery also makes him sleepy. Therefore I knew he needed extra help & I needed to pick up wedding invites any way. (He wasn't 100% willing to ask me to drive down.) We had a great time bonding amongst my cleaning, cooking and shopping for him. Friday morning, I had wrote a note to my dad as I drove down the interstate thinking and I shared it with him Saturday morning. He thanked me for all the help and kind words, because he couldn't have done it without me and appreciated the help. He thought he would have been more self-sufficient for longer. The reality of the side effects (loss of energry and taste, etc.) is sinking in. Muskmelon was the first of his favorite foods to not taste right. Oh, the poor coffee lover. I hope he can enjoy coffee as long as possible.
I know this a journey God has called us all on and as Matthew West says so well, he must be strong enough. See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66fAw7gOsl8&feature=relmfu or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt2kVS0Z3xI&feature=relmfu.
Additional joy included seeing my good friend a second weekend in a row. I got to pick up all the supplies for wedding invitations she had created. She is amazing; I must add.
Thursday was my last day with students and Monday is my last day as a teacher until September. This also brings me peace and comfort to know I have time off to care for my father and to prepare for the wedding and school in September. As I wrote this sentence, I had deja vu. I had already seen this screen and wrote these words. I had had this mental debate about how much I should reveal and what to exclude. I was going to be writing this blog of peace and discussing my father's treatment. This was one of my most vivid moments of deja vu. Though I can always recall having them, but that's another day and topic. :)
Well, my computer is about to run out of battery and it's late Saturday night/really early Sunday morning. Sweet dreams and may you find inner peace in your journey through life!
Dad has cancer.
Mom's hernia surgery saved her from a rotting remnant on her stomach from a past surgery. Let's say we've never been so excited for a hernia. :)
My oldest brother is facing the possibility of prison. You live with choices you make.
I found a lump on my left arm.
Wedding planning isn't all sunshine and rainbows especially when planning it alone.
Small children need a lot of your energy and love.
I wasn't always the best at managing my stress or cleaning for that matter during this time. Therefore, this car ride inspired me to write this blog as a way to help me focus on being at peace and being peaceful with the people around me no matter the circumstance. Here is a recap of the sunshine from Friday & Saturday:
This weekend, like last, I traveled 4 hours to visit and care for my father as he began his journey through cancer treatment. On Wednesday, he had his first round of chemo and radiation followed by daily doses of radiation. All of these make him tired. The port and feeding tub surgery also makes him sleepy. Therefore I knew he needed extra help & I needed to pick up wedding invites any way. (He wasn't 100% willing to ask me to drive down.) We had a great time bonding amongst my cleaning, cooking and shopping for him. Friday morning, I had wrote a note to my dad as I drove down the interstate thinking and I shared it with him Saturday morning. He thanked me for all the help and kind words, because he couldn't have done it without me and appreciated the help. He thought he would have been more self-sufficient for longer. The reality of the side effects (loss of energry and taste, etc.) is sinking in. Muskmelon was the first of his favorite foods to not taste right. Oh, the poor coffee lover. I hope he can enjoy coffee as long as possible.
I know this a journey God has called us all on and as Matthew West says so well, he must be strong enough. See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66fAw7gOsl8&feature=relmfu or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt2kVS0Z3xI&feature=relmfu.
Additional joy included seeing my good friend a second weekend in a row. I got to pick up all the supplies for wedding invitations she had created. She is amazing; I must add.
Thursday was my last day with students and Monday is my last day as a teacher until September. This also brings me peace and comfort to know I have time off to care for my father and to prepare for the wedding and school in September. As I wrote this sentence, I had deja vu. I had already seen this screen and wrote these words. I had had this mental debate about how much I should reveal and what to exclude. I was going to be writing this blog of peace and discussing my father's treatment. This was one of my most vivid moments of deja vu. Though I can always recall having them, but that's another day and topic. :)
Well, my computer is about to run out of battery and it's late Saturday night/really early Sunday morning. Sweet dreams and may you find inner peace in your journey through life!
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